(Hello, Nickelodeon headquarters)
Hi, sorry to disturb you this late in the night
I have a serious inquiry directed toward Nickelodeon
My question is WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
You know y'all used to have some fire bitches
When I turn on the TV I'm trying to see my favorite bitches
Zoey101? Jennette McCurdy? Oh my God
And now all you got is these preteens
Bruh, I'm not a pedo
I'm not trying to look at these little kids and get aroused
Now I can't watch Nickelodeon with my dick in my hand anymore
Now I'm fucking upset
This is some fucking bullshit

Dan Schneider
Bring all my bitches back
I need all my bitches, I need all my bitches
The new shit you put out is wack
Dan Schneider
I'm just trying to get an erection
But now that these kids looking 13 and under
My penis will suffer

Dan fucking Schneider (Schneider)
This ain't a fucking game, bitch
I wanna watch a sitcom
With my hand on my dick
I wanna see a titty (titty)
Not fucking kid shit
Return all the hot chicks
Or you gon get it bitch

iCarly, iCarly
I don't care if you look like Michael Jackson
As long as you giving me action
And Freddy gon' film the reaction
Sam gonna join in
And suck me a fat one
Nickelodeon girls
Can't live without 'em (whew)

Ariana Grande
I know I drive a Hyundai
I can put you in a coma
Have brunch on a Sunday (fancy)
My dick put you in a coffin
All night screaming and tossing
Victoria Justice
I know you tryna touch this

Lizzie McGuire is tight
But I bet Zoey's tighter
You can find me in her bed
Digging through that vaginer
Amanda Bynes, you a little bit crazy
But you can still have my babies (whew)
Go down like a dog with the rabies
Y'all can't save me

Uh, a little bit of weed, hard liquor for the ladies
Got me feeling like a young Dan Schneider from the 80's
With a Jewish law firm and an all black Mercedes
She playing with the balls like Brady (ay)
Fuck off with the shitty little kids with their stupid shit
I only wanna see the ones with a body fit
And I don't want to be the one to be a little bitch about it
But I'm just saying what everybody is thinking (hahahahaha)
Where the titties at?
Dan Schneider why you ruining your business?
You realize I'd probably buy cable if you keep all the girls
And the ratings all stable
Cuz I ain't tryin to see a young baby in the cradle
Cuz I'm not a pedophile
I'm not trying to see that shit (c'mon man)

The girls I have sexualized are all in their 20's and 30's
(Disclaimer!)
I'm not saying you should change all the bitches
But at least something after 10:30 (30!)

Dan Schneider
Bring all my bitches back
I need all my bitches, I need all my bitches
I need all my bitches back

I love you Dan Schneider, just please bring them back